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The Madden Dilemma

by Steve Wysowski August 1st 2008 2:06 PM CDT2 Comments

When the video game industry first began to peek it's head out of the hell hole that was the E.T. induced 1983 crash, some bimbo came up with the hypothesis that if a man were to blend a decent football game with an NFL license, mountains upon mountains of cash would spontaneously appear in his lap. After Tecmo Bowl proved that the idea was not only fruitful, but pure genius, more and more NFL franchises spawned, and this fusion of the NFL and video games become synonymous with high expectations, bragging rights, fountains of variety, and an untapped level of pure fun. Then came 2005.

Three years removed from EA's embezzling of the NFL license, I can confidently say that this guy:
cares more about this:
than anything related to video games or the Madden franchise. And these guys:
care more about these:
than the quality of their video games.

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I'm not saying Madden games are Alone in the Dark (my new synonym for the combo-word "disgustingly atrocious"); in fact, I'm willing to admit that they put forth enough pleasure and enjoyment for me to make a biannual purchase. While that may appear to be a compliment at first, it isn't. There is practically no way a football game can not exert some level of merriment and only if one were to design a version of football for the mentally retarded could it be somewhat irksome. Oh, I forgot:


Football itself can be viewed as a real-world video game. Dante Hall was even nicknamed the "Human Joystick". You have a point-based system (something all gamers love), leaps of strategy, big crunching hits that can get any man's testosterone bouncing like Barry Bonds' at a syringe shop, famous superstar-caliber personalities, and look: I can go on and on.

Tiburon has had no immediate rationale to improve Madden since the company's buyout. No matter what they may toss onto the shelves, an army of stupids will be there to snatch the copies up. EA knows they can't publish complete and utter wastes, instead they choose to force-feed us some bland, repetitive, "innovation" that we've seen before. The only catch is they "misremembered" to put these features in the past few versions, rendering them as "new" additions to the series (*cough* Owner's Mode *cough*).

If you're wondering what's the big thing EA is planning to blend in this year, would you be surprised if I told you it was merely touchdown celebration mode? Like the one we had in NFL 2k5. That's some real groundbreaking shit here! Talk about feeling in the game! I can't wait whip out my cock and gyrate my balls to the sight of Randy Moss doing the moonwalk.

Despite all of the licenses that EA possesses (NFL, ESPN, numerous record deals, Westboro Bapitist Church, etc.), Madden hasn't been able to give you the sense of total, NFL, immersion in the longest time. You know, immersion: the reason why you were indicted last month for tax evasion, because you forgot to pay your bills while you were too busy backstabbing Dark Brotherhood cultists in Tamriel. When there was a reason to try, immersion was a must for a Madden title. Why bother now when there is no one at Take-Two ramming up your ass like Elton John after a few apple martinis?



The thing is, fixing Madden isn't that complicated. Immersing a gamer into the bountiful world of American football leaves a lot of options at your disposal. After all, if you're trying to imitate the television presentation of an NFL game (which is the only sport that is more enjoyable to watch from your couch than at the stadium itself), you only need to make a few, necessary changes. if you mix in a few good commentators, throw in some believable crowd noise (the current audiences in Madden are all wearing blindfolds), and put into use some realistic television features (bugs, tickets, scoreboards) and you're already halfway there. This year, NFL 09 is bringing back the color commentator in the form of Cris Collinsworth; a.k.a the Miyamoto of football analysis. To say I felt like a little kid under the Christmas tree would be a vast understatement.

While Madden has always been a bit glitchy (linebackers jumping ten feet in the air to intercept scorchers is as realistic as Bungie making video games for Sony), it has always been fun to play. So while perfectionists will complain about some things being downright wrong, it doesn't bother me as much. The core gameplay is still steadily improving, but whether that is a testament to EA's effort or to the advancing technology is up to you (I'm going with the latter). Still, no leaps and bounds have ever been made, and I'm getting tired of seeing only a few minuscule improvements being made each year. A lot of work can be done to bring Madden to higher levels, but it isn't. This renders an annual purchase as unnecessary, and if you're still buying a Madden game every year, then I suggest this year you also purchase a magnum so you can blow you're fucking brains out.

Madden NFL 09 is coming out this year so I'm due for another purchase. While I'd love to pass on this year's version (knowing it will be the same as last year's with the additional roster update), I just can't. My love for the NFL is making my wallet look like a ten foot pool filled with hundred dollar bills. For fuck's sake, Asante Samuel is on the Eagles this year. How the hell am I suppose to repel temptations of that magnitude (General Ackbar for the win)?

The fact that it's the franchise' 20th anniversary has me somewhat inclined to believe they'll at least strain themselves. Even though they still won't use the ESPN license (that's just too logical to make good usage of) some presentational features do look quite promising. For example, post-play camera angles are no longer in the hands of paraplegics. I'm open to the belief that this year's Madden will offer some kind of lasting change, and if it is, I'm more than willing to forgive both EA and Tiburon for buying out the rest of the world's video game market.

Oh fuck it; you people took NFL 2k5 from me. That felt like you stole my virginity. Twice. Then left my desecrated corpse out to dry for a pack of syphilis infected whores. Any kind of condonation for that would only come if you were to send a female representative to give me fellatio.